Go Fish

Attention, pigmented people!

(Sorry. Let me specify. By "pigmented", I mean black, brown, yellow, red, cafe-au-lait, ochre, olive, beige... any of the range of shades that people come in other than "pasty", like myself.)

OK. Ahem. Once again...

Attention, pigmented people. I have a message from your melanin-deprived fellow humans. (Or rather, from the vast majority of us. I no more speak for all white folks than Jesse Jackson speaks for all not-white folks, "Rainbow Coalition" notwithstanding. But I'm reasonably comfortable speaking for most of us.) Here's our message:

GET OVER YOURSELF.

That's right. Drop it. Shut up about it. Move on.

See, here's the thing some of you just don't get. I (mostly we) don't care what color your skin happens to be. To me, you aren't the black corporate executive... you're just the boss. You aren't the Asian mail person... you're just the jerk who brings the light bill and never my check from Ed McMahon. You're not the Polynesian-American athlete... you're just the guy that dropped the ball. And you aren't the Latina Supreme Court Justice... you're just the new judge... or the younger judge... or, if we want to be crude, you're the fat one on the dais.

Race has always been a sensitive subject in America, but ever since Barack Obama threw his hat into the primary election ring, things have become markedly worse. It's come to the point where you can't even disagree with the President without it being racial division. (And never mind that if only the black people had voted for him he'd have lost -- since, being a minority group and all, there aren't enough black voters to elect anyone without white voters going along. That proves nothing in the new America.)

Now, we even have gajillionaire children whining that race plays a part in their unfair treatment. (That's right, LeBron. I'm calling you a child. A spoiled, immature, very rich brat.) I mean, it's clear that despite his fame, success and exorbitant wealth, LeBron James is a victim of the racist white man. (And by the way... I think it's racist that I don't have a multi-million dollar NBA contract. Forget for a minute that I smoke a pack a day, am relatively short, couldn't dunk a basketball if you put a gun to my head, and am creeping up on middle age faster than I'd prefer. I'm entitled, damn it.)

Or how about this idiot? There's a guy here in PA who is traumatized by a racist symbol he found at work. Ready for it?



Ooooooohhhhhhh! KKK! The bad ol' white man left a Klan Kut-out to send a message!

Except... wait a minute here... Klansmen aren't tapered at the bottom. And despite the victim's assertion that "whoever made it even colored in the eyes with red ink" (meaning, I guess, that they were thorough in their depiction), I don't ever remember reading that albinism was a qualification for being in the Klan. And I damn sure don't remember seeing news photos of Klansmen with red or bleeding eyes.

Well, huh. How do we explain this overt racist intimidation, then? What possible way to make sense of this obvious attempt to scare the black fella? How about...

IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN AND THAT'S A GHOST.

Good grief.

And then yesterday, I read a completely unbiased piece that explains everything that's wrong in the country. White America has lost its mind. Now, if you go read that, bear in mind that it's satire (which -- and I never knew this -- means being just as nasty, intellectually dishonest and insulting as you want, as long as you do it with a wink). So, if you're one of the paler members of society, don't waste time being offended by statements like: "White people have simply gone sheer f*cking insane."

I feel like I'm going sheer f*cking insane, all right. I'm being driven there... By unrelenting, unfounded accusations about my motivations, by "identity politics" and "social justice", by race baiters and assorted haters. And it's so unnecessary, really. I (like all Americans -- hell, like all humans) have been looking at various shades of people my whole life. One is the same as another. Want me to notice someone's skin color? Find me someone green. That will get my attention. For a minute. Although even the novelty of green would fade as soon as I saw a second green person, I believe.

Because I just don't care about skin tone. Most folks don't, it's as simple as that. (And for those of you would believe in your sick little hearts that I'm automatically a racist-in-denial based on my own skin tone... bite me. You're the problem.)

So please... PLEASE... can we get beyond this? Can ya just shut up about it, fer crying out loud? Stop assuming that because you have more tint than someone else, you're a victim. Stop thinking that because someone has less tint than you, they're an oppressor. I once had two cats at the same time, a brown one and a gray one. Neither one oppressed the other, neither one was a victim, and I fed them both from the same bowl. And ya know what? If I'd shaved the little suckers, underneath they'd have both been CAT. Get it?

The next time some troublemaking jackass plays the race card... just tell him to "Go Fish".