Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Physician - Heal Thyself!

So I saw a news story today speculating that Obama's rapid weight loss might be due to parasites.

The real reason behind PRESIDENT OBAMA's shocking weight loss - he's secretly battling stomach parasites, say sources.

OK... "news story" might be a bit of a stretch. It was in The Enquirer. But hey -- they broke the truth about Edwards before the real media got around to taking off the blinders, right?

(Wait a minute... Maybe it is news. It made Memeorandum and Althouse! Now if I can just get some linky-love off the deal...)

Anyway, my first reaction was, for me, predictable. The first thing I think of every time I see or hear the word parasite is this guy:

Wait. My bad. I thought I'd gotten over that. Heh.

I meant THIS guy:

Remember him? Poor fella was the star of the blog for a minute there.

Anyway, I read that Obama has parasites, and I had a flashback to our creepy old pal. That's reaction number one.

Reaction number two is more succinct: I call bullshit.

While defending President Obama is never easy, I can't let this go by. As a fellow member of the tribe of scrawny folk, I'd like to point out that Obama is - and always has been, near as I can tell - a textbook "ectomorph". When he was younger, he was slim to skinny. As a Senator, he looked nearly emaciated. And as President... well, you get the idea. And as to weight loss... I don't remember him gaining any to lose.

Maybe a headline like "Why Is Obama So Scary Skinny?" gets mileage because he is a minority. I'm not referencing his melanin levels. I'm saying that in the fattest country on the planet, the Ichabod Cranes among us stand out.

But I'm no doctor. Heck, my most intimate knowledge of parasites comes from an X-Files episode. And the Enquirer article did say there had been health warnings to Hawaiians about this dreaded parasite. So, I did a little googling. Not only did I find a health article about parasites in Hawaii from the time Obama may have been infected... I may have stumbled upon the solution to his woes!

Fecal transplantation.

Yes, you read that right. And it means exactly what you think it means.

A non-infected person brings in a fresh stool sample (mmmm-MMM! Always better fresh, right?). The doctor liquifies the stool, and then drips it into the colon of the infected person. And people pay for this. Ain't America great?

Anyway, the one drawback might be the risks.

Brandt insists on a list of tests to make sure the donor doesn't have diseases such as hepatitis or HIV, or intestinal parasites.

Regardless of how I feel about Obama's policies, he's our President. We can't expose him to diseases or infection with another parasite, right? And while the article states that the donor is usually a close relative or somesuch, we just can't take chances with a sitting President. We need to get our hands on some stool (heh) that can't possibly have any disease or microorganisms that are foreign to Obama's body.

Fortunately for us - not to mention Obama - we have a safe, ready, apparently endless supply of liquified shit:

His head.

Hell, he has a chance to be a hero here. After carefully observing him for the last coupla years, I believe he's got enough of a stockpile to cure everyone on the planet of this dreaded infection. He could personally eradicate this epidemic, and earn another Nobel Prize!

I'll get the turkey baster. You grab him by the ears.

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