"This Thanksgiving marks the 20th anniversary of the first official turkey
pardon and President Obama will likely carry on the tradition by sparing two
turkeys. Approximately 45 million other turkeys—who are just as deserving of
compassion and respect—must depend on caring Americans to grant them their own
Not bloody likely. But, as always with these annoying cultists, they go on...
"When turkeys aren't confined to filthy factory farms, they spend theirNot working, Peta. They're still sounding tasty, cute personality quirks and all. Although it DOES bring to mind a semi-famous Thanksgiving prayer, in the words of Milo Bloom (from Berke Breathed's always brilliant Bloom County, for those of you who don't know.):
days building nests, taking dust baths, preening, and roosting in trees. They
enjoy having their feathers stroked and like to gobble along to music."
"Dear lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank thee for the turkeyAMEN! Pass the gravy!
before us. A turkey, which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird. A social
being, capable of actual affection...nuzzling its young with almost human-like
compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects
to its family."
The ONLY way to improve on a golden-brown delicious turkey an Thanksgiving would be...
I hate Peta and the Petapeople. Sincerely. Can't they all go get nekkid somewhere together and leave those of us who LIKE meat the hell alone?
Barring that... Can I eat them? Please? I know I keep going back to that, but it would solve sooo many problems. The end of their scary "factory farming" books and statistics, the end of cow-fart global warming, the end of "food insecurity" (plenty of vegans to share with the poor) and the end of self-righteous veggie crunchers trying to tell the rest of us what to eat -- they should be happy we'll be emptying the farms! Imagine it -- if we EAT the damn vegans, we won't have to listen to them anymore!
And they're probably made of very healthy, lean meat! Yummy!
Oh, gross. They are serious. And they're giving it away FREE! (Of course, they probably have to. Who's gonna pay actual money for it?) Never mind that it looks like vomit rolled up in... something... like a giant stickless corndog. (How you can not mind that, I don't know... but try.) If you were willing to trade a juicy, crispy-skinned, golden REAL turkey for this abomination, you lose out on the fun of breaking the wishbone! Don't you?
Oh. Pardon me. They also helpfully direct you to a place you can win synthetic wishbones... Plastic, recyclable, "animal-friendly" wishbones. Ten to a pack, no less.
Hunh. Whaddya know... Peta finally made me not want to eat meat. Not because I've gone vegan. Because they've destroyed my appetite for today.