Mock Meat is Muppet Murder

I was reading an article this morning about "mock meat"... And it made me think of my own single experience with vegetarian cuisine.

(On a side note -- why mock meat? If you are so morally opposed to the ingestion of tasty flesh, why would you purposely try to recreate the taste and texture of such an abomination? I think all the vegans eating tofurkey and lentil-loaf are kidding themselves. If they didn't crave meat, they wouldn't be trying to replicate it.)

Regardless... I once - ONCE - ate at a vegetarian restaurant. Back when I wanted to be a hippy.

I grew up in a pretty small town. I don't think they have a Starbucks to this day, if that gives you an idea how small. So as a much younger person, I was really excited to see a coffee shop/restaurant move into town. My best friend and I set out to have lunch, and to try our first samples of real espresso and cappuccino.

The place was a great change from what we were used to. Interesting decor, smell of coffee heavy in the air, the idea that we were so much cooler than the other inhabitants of our town and therefor singularly qualified to scope out the new cafe and pass judgement. Yes, we were ready!

And then the menu came, along with the smiling server. I didn't recognize a single dish. Everything was vegetarian, which is fine if you like vegetables. I've never passed beyond my inner five-year-old in that regard. (Think: "Eww! What's the green stuff? Get it away from my pork chop!) But we were so cool... Had to try something, right?

Rice dish. Sure, I can handle rice. How bad can that be? I order the rice. And an iced tea.

Server: We have green tea with honey, raspberry tea, chai tea...

Me: No, thanks. Just plain iced tea.

Server: Ummm... We have green tea with honey, rasp--

Me: Just bring me a green tea. No honey - I don't do bug barf. Got any sugar packets?

This should have been a sign. But when you're young and dumb and too cool for your own damn good, you wouldn't notice a sign if it's neon.

The food comes. Not bad, I guess. Not great, and I sure couldn't imagine trying to survive on it for my entire life, but passable. Until... wait... what the hell is this purple dimply stuff? It looks like chunks of Nerf with goosebumps. What the...?

Me: Excuse me. What's this purple stuff?

Server: Ummm. I'm not sure. Would you like me to ask?

Me: If you expect me to eat it, yes. I'd like it identified.

Server (returned from the kitchen): It's mock duck.

Me: But what is it?

Server: Mock duck.

Sigh. Heavy sigh. I'm trying to decide now if this person is slow... or messing with me.

Me: Well, we've established that it's not duck. So what is it?

Server: It's mock duck. It's probably a tofu product.

My friend: It's muppet. Just f*cking eat it.

Muppet seemed like the only reasonable explanation. No meat or vegetable that I know of is purple, dimply and the exact texture of Nerf.

And with that, I slid my plate away. I was finished not only with my serving of muppet, but with anything to do with vegetarianism or veganism. After all, anyone who eats muppet is someone I can't be involved with.

So... the next time (if ever) you read a post where I'm ranting and raving about the vegans and you get to wondering "What the hell is your problem anyway?", you have the answer.

I can get behind eating a cow, pig, whatever. But I draw the line at slaughtering and devouring sweet, innocent, entertaining muppets. Everyone has their limit - I guess muppet is mine.

Pamela Anderson Raises Millions For Charity

It's Rule 5 Sunday again. It's also almost Christmas, so I was thinking about celebrities who do good things for the little people.... The Daily Beast had a piece up about Hollywood folks who produce the most money for their charities, either by driving or giving donations. The number one female by dollar amount was Madonna - who makes my skin crawl - so I skipped along to number two (three on the list).

Pamela Anderson.

Huh. Who'da thunk? (And, she's long been in a place of high traffic generation honor on McCain's site! I should get bonus linky points for that!)

Peta's Banned "Grace" Thanksgiving Ad -- FAIL

Oh. my. gawd.

For the record, this would do nothing to prevent me eating that bird. NOTHING.

But the kid would be sitting on the porch, going without pumpkin pie, when the bird was gone. (And if you were to ask my kids, they'd tell you yes, that's exactly how I'd handle it.)

Can't you Petapeople just eat your damn tofurkey and leave the rest of us alone? Seriously. I don't go around shoving bacon-doublecheeseburgers down the throats of unsuspecting vegans. (Although I freely admit I would find that hilarious.) Gimme a break.

At least they didn't make the poor kid take her clothes off.

Happy Thanksgiving from... Peta?

Peta has their Thanksgiving message up.

"This Thanksgiving marks the 20th anniversary of the first official turkey
pardon and President Obama will likely carry on the tradition by sparing two
turkeys. Approximately 45 million other turkeys—who are just as deserving of
compassion and respect—must depend on caring Americans to grant them their own
personal pardons."

Not bloody likely. But, as always with these annoying cultists, they go on...

"When turkeys aren't confined to filthy factory farms, they spend their
days building nests, taking dust baths, preening, and roosting in trees. They
enjoy having their feathers stroked and like to gobble along to music."

Not working, Peta. They're still sounding tasty, cute personality quirks and all. Although it DOES bring to mind a semi-famous Thanksgiving prayer, in the words of Milo Bloom (from Berke Breathed's always brilliant Bloom County, for those of you who don't know.):

"Dear lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank thee for the turkey
before us. A turkey, which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird. A social
being, capable of actual affection...nuzzling its young with almost human-like
compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects
to its family."

AMEN! Pass the gravy!

The ONLY way to improve on a golden-brown delicious turkey an Thanksgiving would be...
TURBACONDUCKEN!

I hate Peta and the Petapeople. Sincerely. Can't they all go get nekkid somewhere together and leave those of us who LIKE meat the hell alone?

Barring that... Can I eat them? Please? I know I keep going back to that, but it would solve sooo many problems. The end of their scary "factory farming" books and statistics, the end of cow-fart global warming, the end of "food insecurity" (plenty of vegans to share with the poor) and the end of self-righteous veggie crunchers trying to tell the rest of us what to eat -- they should be happy we'll be emptying the farms! Imagine it -- if we EAT the damn vegans, we won't have to listen to them anymore!

And they're probably made of very healthy, lean meat! Yummy!

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Update: TOFURKEY? Blech. They can't be serious.

Oh, gross. They are serious. And they're giving it away FREE! (Of course, they probably have to. Who's gonna pay actual money for it?) Never mind that it looks like vomit rolled up in... something... like a giant stickless corndog. (How you can not mind that, I don't know... but try.) If you were willing to trade a juicy, crispy-skinned, golden REAL turkey for this abomination, you lose out on the fun of breaking the wishbone! Don't you?

Oh. Pardon me. They also helpfully direct you to a place you can win synthetic wishbones... Plastic, recyclable, "animal-friendly" wishbones. Ten to a pack, no less.

Hunh. Whaddya know... Peta finally made me not want to eat meat. Not because I've gone vegan. Because they've destroyed my appetite for today.