Monday, February 14, 2011

Infected, Dejected... and Feeling Disrespected

I hate computers.

Seriously, I've never pretended to be anything but a Luddite. Machines (especially computers) infuriate me. One of my favorite authors has ranted in numerous author's notes about what he calls "the perversity of the inanimate" - how machines and especially computers wait and watch for a chance to screw you over. I agree completely... they cause me frustration intentionally, I am convinced.


I got a virus. Or a trojan. (Funny... I thought trojans existed so you don't get viruses... whatever.) Either way, I got one of those fake viruses that scams you into buying the fake antivirus by popping up porn all over the computer. Left some really interesting shortcuts on the desktop, too.

As a side note - I hate you hackers. I hate you more than the viruses you create. Why don't you get the fuck out of your mom's basement, get a real job, and stop making my life more diificult?!


So I downloaded one of those zappers that's supposed to remove viruses. And, along with the virus or whatever, it appears to have zapped the hell out of every file that was infected. Or something. Now my registry is broken - or something - and I don't even remember having registered for anything.

Did I mention I have more than one computer? Yeah. And two of the three are now wonky. And I am woefully unqualified to do anything about it.

One of them may be toast. When nothing else worked, I attempted the Fonzie method of electronics repair. (Yes, that's right. I hit my computer really hard. Hard enough to hurt both of us. Would you believe it didn't work? Now it won't even turn on.)

The other (this one) seems capable of most tasks. It can blog anyway. (Yes... I blog on a computer that I don't know how to fix.) But I have no sound on YouTube (indeed, it no longer recognizes its own speakers are even connected) or anything else.

And I don't know how to fix it. Any of it. Grrrrr!

This is my punishment for hubris. You see, the third (and only working) computer crapped out on me last month. After much searching online, I found out all I could do was back up the hard drive and reinstall the OS. I found a tutorial, slaved that hard drive to one of the other (now broken) computers, and ta-daa! All fixed! (Well, there was more work and profanity involved than that, but you get the idea.)

And then I got all full of myself. Thought I was the local IT expert or something.

And life sent me a virus from hell to remind me that I'm not all that when it comes to these damnable contraptions.

I'm only writing this so that if you see a news story about it, you'll know it was me. It'll probably start something like this:

"Innocent victims say there was no warning before the monitor crashed to earth, taking out the mail man and followed by broken glass tumbling from the second story window. Screaming and profanity shocked the neighborhood. A second monitor narrowly missed the police, who were called in to subdue a homeowner gone mad."

So... if you see that, send money. I'll need help with bail.

Or leave me to rot. I'm guessing there are no computers in jail. Maybe I can get some peace.

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