Thursday, October 29, 2009

Give up Meat? Go Vegan to Save the World?

There's a lot of noise right now about the wonders of converting to a vegan or vegetarian diet to save the planet.

Lord Stern in England advocates giving up meat to stop global warming climate change. (They keep changing that to reflect the actual weather, and I can't keep up.) Apparently, cow flatulence is far worse than other greenhouse gases, and we have too much cow flatulence because we have too many cows. (Maybe he should advocate eating more of them?)

Dr. Andrew Weil has written at HuffPo about a new book, Eating Animals, that examines the question of eating factory farmed meat: "The reader is left with a moral dilemma: should I stop eating factory meat and seek out responsibly-raised beef, poultry and pork (exemplars of such farming are the stars of Foer's book), or should I simply stop eating meat altogether?"

Cass Sunstein, our new Regulatory Czar has written the book Nudge, and one of his theories is that America could be nudged toward becoming a vegetarian or vegan nation.


Now, don't get me wrong... I don't care remotely if people want to eat a meatless diet. More bacon for me! I don't mind it, but I don't understand it. I agree with Denis Leary, who says "Not eating meat is a choice. Eating meat is an instinct." I think even the most devout vegan would change his mind if he was hungry long enough and surrounded by enough tasty protein. BUT, I would never try to convert a vegan to my own diet, and I don't appreciate that so many of them want to "nudge" me into changing to theirs. I'm (somewhat jokingly) concerned that the vegans, the animal rights folks, and the environmental zealots would like to force the issue.

Well, LET ME BE CLEAR! (Like that? I picked it up from a pretty eloquent speaker.) Stay the hell away from my dinner plate! I want to put forth a plain language warning to those who might wish to interfere in my meal-planning:

The day I walk into a grocery store and can't buy a piece of flesh to consume, it becomes open season on the veggie munchers in our midst. That's right. If you take away what I require as a carnivore, I will begin eating the herbivores. They're always telling us how healthy they are on their meatless diets -- I'll bet they're pretty tasty, too! Like when you pay more for grass fed steak! Feast (heh) your eyes on my favorite T-shirt:

And I'd like to say, I don't mean that in a sexy, double entendre kind of way. I've joked for years about eating a Petapeople. (In case you haven't noticed from previous posts, I despise Peta and the brainless sheeple who form their ranks.) Well, if you cut off my supply of meat, I will consider Peta and the other grazers to be herd animals, and thus fair game for barbecue. Thankfully, with all of them on the diet they tout as healthiest, it will probably be better for me than my beloved bacon anyway.

So... Be warned. I support your right to eat, or not eat, what you want. But don't mess with my food. Michelle Malkin said, "The Big Nanny bureaucrats will have to pry the Sonic Bacon Cheeseburger from my cold, dead hands…" and while I agree completely, I'll go one farther:

Take my bacon ONLY if you wish to take its place on my plate.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Get Nekkid For The Cause!

This post combines Rule 5 Sunday with something that never fails to amaze and confuse me...

Seems like some folks think it's not a protest unless you get nekkid (or nearly so) first. I truly don't understand it. I'm not offended, it doesn't bother me... I just don't understand it.

I've mentioned Petapeople before - and I'll mention them again - because they want to bare their bods every time someone swats a fly, but it's not just them. Yesterday, I saw this at TMZ:

Funny... I didn't realize until I saw this that gay was illegal. Hmmmmm. She's already spreading awareness, huh?
Anyway, it makes me curious. Do groups REALLY think this is the best way to represent your message? I mean, sure it gets attention, but does it promote the cause? Any cause?

Here's another example from Zombie:

Maybe I'm cynical. When I see these folks, I never think about what it is they're protesting. I just see someone who wants desperately to be nekkid in public, and uses their personal politics as an excuse. I guess I figure, if you're an exhibitionist, why not just admit and enjoy it? Why wrap it in a disguise of "protest"? It's not like you look any more legitimate cruising down the sidewalk in your drawers - or less - just because you have a sign painted on your tummy.

And NO entry on nekkid protest would be complete without the Petapeople:

This one is actually kind of scary in a weird, Evil-Willy-Wonka-On-Acid kind of way...

Seriously... is anyone more likely to ditch their expensive fur coat because the guy on the left has his pants around his ankles? Is this effective? Petapeople have been taking it off every chance they get since they were founded - and people STILL eat meat, wear fur, and give out M&Ms for Halloween. I think if I were putting forth such an effort - not to mention the risk of catching a cold - I'd want a little more return on my investment. Which is why I believe they just like for a ton of people to stare at them naked. Petapeople are soooo much about nekkid, if you search their site, they actually have a gallery of naked protest photos!

Petapeople (and the lady who believes gay is against the law) seem to think if you shock the hell out of someone, it's the same as getting your point across. I disagree. I think all most folks take away from these protests is that some fool was nekkid in the street. (Although in San Francisco, it probably doesn't even turn heads.) I guess I figure, if you want to change someone's mind, you should hit them with a reasonable argument, not your bare butt. Otherwise, you're simply drawing more negative attention to yourself, rather than the target of your protest. Kind of the way these two will never convince mainstream America to legalize marijuana:

UPDATE: Thanks to The Other McCain for the link! Rule #1 really works! :)

Friday, October 23, 2009

Michael Moore's Action Plan

Michael Moore's Action DIET Plan. There... fixed that.

Yesterday Michael Moore wrote a piece that I saw on both HuffingtonPost and DemocraticUnderground. "My Action Plan: 15 Things Every American Can Do Right Now".

Now, I'm not going to even touch most of this piece. For one thing, it will be dissected and either mocked or applauded all over the blogosphere so there's no need for one more entry on his politics. Moore's pretty blatant about his socialist ideas, and none of that is new or news.

That said, there IS a bit in Moore's piece I have to address. When it comes to his politics, he's been called out for his hypocrisy before, and it doesn't phase him. But this time he's taken the "Do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do" elitist nonsense to a new level. You see, in his "Action Plan" he has graciously included his "Diet Plan". Ready?

Turn off the TV and the Blackberry and go for a 30-minute walk every day. Eat
fruits and vegetables and cut down on anything that has sugar, high fructose
corn syrup, white flour or too much sodium (salt) in it (and, as Michael Pollan
says, "Eat (real) food, not too much, mostly plants").

I'm sorry. Have you seen Michael Moore? Let's have another look, shall we?

Or how about this one?

THIS is the man who says the rest of us should "Eat (real) food, not too much, mostly plants"

Are you shitting me, Michael?

We've (unfortunately) become used to the class that considers itself our betters giving advice and orders for the peons to follow, but which never seem to apply to the inner circle. We have Rangel the tax cheat setting tax policy for the rest of us. We have a president who smokes cigarettes himself but who has not called out the higher rates for smokers in the proposed health bill. We have legislators who can't be bothered to read bills they'll be voting on telling the rest of us we don't need to read the bills for ourselves (because it would force them to read the bills in order to debate us later).

And now we have this tub of guts, this poster boy for the positive points of anorexia, this morbidly obese slob who often appears to be dirty as well as fat telling the rest of us how to eat?! I don't think so.

I don't believe for a minute Michael Moore follows this plan. Not for one bloody second do I buy it. Nobody who walks 30 minutes a day and eats "(real) food, not too much, mostly plants" looks like Michael Moore. If he can prove this is what he does every day of his life as he is advising the rest of us, I'll eat one of my sneakers.

And if he DOES follow that eating plan himself and STILL looks the way he does... well, isn't that all the argument we need to NOT follow his diet advice? Considering the rest of us are almost universally smaller than Moore, wouldn't it be a terrible mistake to begin a diet regimen that would turn us all into... well... disgusting blobs?

Nope. Sorry. Not falling for it. I think Michael Moore is a hypocrite and a liar, more now than ever before. And if the diet plan he advises every American to follow is how he maintains his own... um... figure... well, he can keep following it himself and provide shade for the rest of us.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Meghan McCain - The Real Story

I don't follow Twitter. It strikes me as cyber-ADD.... brief bursts of nonsense for the most part, giving instant updates to those with minimal attention spans from those with minimal attention spans. But whether you follow it or not, if you have the internet you've heard about Meghan McCain's breasts.

Seems Ms. McCain "innocently" posted a "fun" picture of herself relaxing with a good book, and can't quite figure out now why it got such a response.

Nothing wrong here, right? Obviously just an "innocent" and "fun" shot to share with the world, right? Never mind that most women don't have cleavage on the TOPS of their breasts without an old fashioned corset or a push-up bra that would torture Victoria into telling all her secrets. Surely, there was nothing staged or intentional about the... ahem... gravity-defying, make-a-comic-book-female-look-underdeveloped, Balloon Boy, ain't-inflation-a-bear squishatude happening in this photo.

But I've put a lot of thought into this. (Probably a sign that I should get out more.)

I think there is something nefarious afoot... er, abreast. I've just felt like there must be more to this story. I can't bring myself to believe that Ms. McCain would be so foolish as to think nobody would notice her... um... assets. She seems like a smart girl, no? There must be a logical explanation for Meghan and her girls being right there in all our faces like that.

So... I've done some research. It's been dangerous, I assure you. There are some secrets we little people aren't meant to know. I have come to a conclusion that is shocking - SHOCKING, I tell ya!

The original photo appears to have been heavily photoshopped. After much digging, I have located the original, and I'll share it with you here. You see, Meghan McCain intended all along for her breasts to be the centerpiece of that now-infamous photo. Oh, yes. It was part of the plan and the program. But after it was released, it was decided by those on high that the real photo could only be bad publicity... so the cover up began. The original photograph (and Twitter image) were heavily altered, and every trace erased -- except for THIS copy.


She's a closet Petapeople! It explains so much.

Friday, October 16, 2009

BalLOON Boy and the Heene Meanies


I suggest we build a bigger balloon, and float this whole family to Outer Mongolia.

After watching this obnoxious bunch, we're supposed to believe anything about Falcon's adventure? I say, damn shame they didn't all drift into orbit and stay there.

Motorcycle Morning

This morning, I saw this:

Which reminded me of something else....

Maybe I'm easily amused, but I NEVER get tired of this one. I laugh like a loon every time I read it.

"Evil Attack Squirrel Of Death!"

OK... I read it again, and now there's coffee on my keyboard. XD

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Black Irish

Via GatewayPundit:

The (racist) leaders of the Maryland (racist) NAACP have made a (racist) resolution to prevent Governor Martin O'Malley from (racist) naming a (racist) mayor to replace (racist) criminal current Mayor Sheila Dixon, who faces nine (racist) charges including theft (racist) and perjury.

Getting an idea how I feel about this?

This is little more than racist grandstanding. According to Dan Friedman, an assistant attorney general and counsel to the General Assembly, the governor doesn't even have the authority to appoint a mayor. Yet the NAACP felt compelled to protect this city from the Governor. Why? Well, you see, Martin O'Malley is a white republican. That means he's liable to appoint a mayor (assuming he had the power, which he does not) who is white. Or, worse yet... IRISH!

I'm not making this up. The Baltimore Sun quotes Marvin Cheatham, president of the Baltimore chapter of the NAACP as saying: "Our concern is who would the governor appoint? ... Here you have a predominantly African-American city. What if the governor appointed somebody white? ... Would he appoint someone Irish to be the mayor?"

Howzat?! Baltimore can't have a white mayor (or gawd forbid, an IRISH one) because the city is predominantly black? Following this (faulty) logic, the Obamas should pack up their crappy art and move back to Chicago, right? Good grief.

One question for the Maryland NAACP: How would you feel about a mayor who's Black Irish? Would that make it OK?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Obama's Media Obsession Is A Symptom

The Obama White House stance on Fox News and the blogosphere is nothing new. It's just the most recent symptom of the biggest problem with liberalism. It's a reminder of how liberals operate in all things. Obama isn't the only one with a neverending campaign... it's the definition of liberalism.

Here's the problem, in a nutshell: They can't just get their way and be satisfied. Oh, no. They can't win, get their validation, and go on with grace about their business. They must transform. They must alter reality. It has to be an absolute metaphysical CONVERSION to the tenets of liberalism.

Many folks feel like, "We know, we know... you WON. Now could you please shut up about getting the job and DO the job?" But that isn't the way it works. They've never even pretended that's the way it works. There are countless examples.

Abortion. It isn't enough that abortion is legal... And let's be realistic, it's going to stay legal. They still feel the need to fight and march and press on, even though they are well aware it is going to remain legal. That's because legal isn't enough. It must be commonplace. We can't just accept it, we have to celebrate it. Liberals want women who've had an abortion to come out and be proud of their abortions. Legal isn't enough. Socially acceptable isn't enough. We need to raise abortion to a state that is nearly a status symbol.

Homosexuality. Again, it isn't good enough to tolerate homosexuality. It must be embraced. It must be mainstreamed. And worse... We can't just accept the openly gay businessman. We can't just befriend the lesbian couple next door. We can't base our involvement with the gay community on our shared values and our similarities. Not at all. We're also to embrace... uck... the weirdo in the violet chaps and tiara, with his tattooed arse in the breeze as he prances in the pride parade. Never mind that we would not be accepting of a straight person acting like a perverted loon in public. When it comes to homosexuals, the only way to convey equality is to accept the farthest fringe freakshow right along with gay people who are completely normal.

Separation of Church and State. Another link in the pattern. The first amendment protects us from the government proclaiming an official religion while preserving the right of each person to believe and practice pretty much what they like as long as it doesn't infringe on others. But this won't satisfy liberals. They read freedom of religion as freedom FROM religion. Instead of peacefully tolerating all faiths, we must repress ALL faiths... or at the very least, subject them to mockery. (Except, of course, for the one that would react with violence and terror. Them we'll cave in to -- I mean, accept and tolerate.)

Race relations. (Yes, I'm going there.) Liberalism is the worst thing that has ever happened to race relations in America. The civil rights movement was a success. But the rightful end of discrimination did not go far enough. We must go beyond equality to preferential treatment in order to balance the scales. We must assume that anyone not white requires extra points on tests, quotas to ensure employment, crippling social programs to "help" them... We must also accept that to be white is to be inherently racist. And by denying our racist tendencies, we only prove they exist.

This same liberal mindset now applies to President Obama's popularity index. It's not enough that he WON. The President (and his people) can not just ignore his name and image in the media long enough to get their job done. Each bit of unflattering mention must be tracked down and addressed directly. Because we need to love him. We must never doubt his wisdom and good intentions for us. Or if we do, we'd better not express it for fear it may spread. They've narrowed down the dissension to the racists, the ignorant, and those being misled by the news programming they watch. They're denouncing the racists, calling on their community organizations to educate the ignorant, and now they have gone on the offensive against any news outlet not echoing the liberal agenda.

So we need to accept it. They WON. That's right, don't you forget it. They WON, and it isn't enough to accept him. You must deny your own ideas, switch teams and put on the damn purple jersey. We must all join in post-racial bipartisan bliss. The media must report only the glorious Hope&Changery in properly reverent terms while the masses engage in goodthink.

And still... it will never be enough for them.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Noble Puss Prize

So. Our esteemed leader has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

This seems to have stunned the media, the blogosphere, and maybe President Obama himself. (Although, to be honest, I consider him too arrogant to be truly surprised by anyone giving him any award for anything.)

For the last 24 hours, there have been a lot of spoofs and other "awards" invented for Obama... some of them flat-out hilarious. My personal favorite might be (via an Ace of Spades commenter) nomination for the Heisman Trophy. I also enjoyed the ReasonTV announcement of his many other accomplishments.

But I have my own award in mind.

I believe President Barack Obama is truly worthy of a new award, one created in his very image, and with his singular political ideology in mind.

The Noble Puss Prize.

At the risk of offending the President, I checked the dictionary definitions to make sure my new award is named properly. Wouldn't want my own ignorance to in any way lessen the impact of his honorarium. So, per

Noble: (in part)
1. distinguished by rank or title.
2. pertaining to persons so distinguished.
3. of, belonging to, or constituting a hereditary class that has special social or political status in a country or state; of or pertaining to the aristocracy.
4. of an exalted moral or mental character or excellence; lofty: a noble thought.
5. admirable in dignity of conception, manner of expression, execution, or composition: a noble poem.
6. very impressive or imposing in appearance; stately; magnificent: a noble monument.
7. of an admirably high quality; notably superior; excellent.
8. famous; illustrious; renowned.

So far, so good. With the exception of being included in a hereditary class of aristocracy, every one of these points describes either President Obama or his perception of himself quite nicely.

Pussy: (In part):
5. Slang A man regarded as weak, timid, or unmanly.

Again, I think that hits exactly the note I was trying for. I've shortened it to "Puss". Call it poetic license.

NOW we have an award that fits. A prize for one who is distinguished by rank and title; who is considered (at least when he looks in the mirror) to be of exalted moral and mental character; who has repeatedly reminded us of his eloquence of expression; who is stately, magnificent, notably superior (again, at least in the mirror); and, of course, famous... our President the rock star. We have an award for the man who is all this and WEAK.

That's right. Weak. What has this man stood for since being elected? He's gone on a world-wide "We're sorry America sucks" tour. He has apologized for everything that might have slighted anyone in any other country ever. He has continually turned his back on our friends and allies while toadying up to despots and dictators and just plain dicks. The ONLY thing I can think of him standing up against is his own bad press! He's so weak, he's been nicknamed President Pantywaist by the Brits and President Thin-Skin by American bloggers.

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I'd rather have a President who commands a little bit of respectful fear from the world than a thin-skinned pantywaist. But he's OUR thin-skinned pantywaist, and we're supposed to love him.

That is why, in the spirit of acknowledging our wondrous leader (and with a little Obama unapproved help from the dictionary) I have come up with his new award -- although as the kind of enemy he CAN'T stand up to, I realize I risk my piddly little blog being denounced by name at his next "Call 'em out!" press conference. Hell, that might be a faster way to get to a million blog hits than the 5 rules for "How to get a million hits on your blog in less than a year"! But, as we've been continually reminded, I have a duty to serve!

And so... I would like to serve up my special home-grown, non-astroturf award to our leader.

President Barack Obama -- 1st Annual Recipient (and at this rate, he's a favorite for the next three!) of the NOBLE PUSS PRIZE! ---applause may begin now.

Thanks to GatewayPundit for the link!

Friday, October 9, 2009

A Better "Fat Tax"

"I love to smoke... I love to smoke... I LOVE to fucking smoke! I smoke seven THOUSAND packs a day, and I am never going to quit!" -- Denis Leary

As you can probably guess, I smoke. And the above statement sums up my feelings pretty succinctly.

OK, that's not true. I twice made an effort to quit. The first time, I was asked nicely to please have a cigarette. I'm guessing I was pretty unbearable. The second time is a blog entry all by itself. But aside from those two blips, I have been smoking for a long, long time. It's my only vice. Or rather, it's the only vice I intend to discuss here. Heh. And the deepest, truest reason I carry on with a decades-old habit is simple. I love to smoke!

And you know what? I resent like hell that everytime our government has a new pet project or an old bill they can't pay, somehow I get to cover the tab! What's that about? I'm reasonably healthy, I'm not on government insurance, and I don't plan to sue anyone when my lungs turn black and shrivel. I'm tired of hearing how I am responsible for raising America's health care bills! The latest plan being bandied about actually proposes to charge me more than others for health care. And the TAXES! Good grief, I single-handedly funded NASA last year with my habit.

NOW they want to start taxing junk food. I don't each much junk food, to be honest. It's not a health-nut thing (obviously... see previous paragraphs), it's just not to my taste. But it strikes me as pretty unbalanced to tax certain foods and not others. Even though I don't agree with the cigarette taxes, at least those taxes are put directly on the people who have the health risk of smoking. We're going to tax these other things because SOME of the people who eat them are obese. How is that fair? Not everyone who eats a Twinkie is fat.

So... (fair warning - NOTHING that follows is politically correct)... Here's my proposal.

I want to see a BMI tax!

That's right. A fatass tax. And I do not mean a tax on soda, or Twinkies, or Whoppers, or any product out there that is also enjoyed by people who aren't a walking zip code. I'm talking about a tax based directly on how many extra chins you have blobbering down the front of what used to be your neck. I want to see people charged for every last nasty glob of cellulite. I want a love-handle surtax and a fine for dunlap disease. (As in: "Your belly dunlapped over the waistband of your britches.") If taxing cigarettes only punishes smokers, it is not fair to tax anyone who drinks a Coke, whether they happen to be normal sized or ...ahem... BIG.

You know the ones I'm talking about. They're the folks that take all the motorized carts (meant for the handicapped) at the grocery store because they're TOO FAT TO WALK DOWN THE AISLES. Here's a tip for ya: If your ass is too large to walk through the grocery store under your own power, you probably don't need groceries! Or consider that if you got off your ginormous ass and DID go walkabout, you might return to normal size. Being a human land mass isn't a handicap, and you shouldn't be tooling around on a device meant for people who have an actual disability.

And please... I do not want to hear the tired old screed of "gland problem". I'll grant you that some people who struggle with their weight have a medical problem. But for most of them, it's a FORK problem! Don't push past me with your scooter-cart filled with Pepsi and potato chips and then tell me you can't help it. "But, my whole family is big!", some say. Well, look how you people eat! When a four-hundred pound slab of meat is doing the family cooking, don't try to tell me you're living on veggies and tofu. "Deep-fried" and "sugar-coated" are NOT food groups.

Or my other favorite: "It costs more to eat healthy." Please. I buy groceries, OK? It's cheaper to buy a head of lettuce and a bag of carrots than a box of snack cakes and a six-pack of soda. And a gallon of water is the cheapest beverage on the shelves. You can eat junk food if you understand the concept of moderation. Processed foods might be cheaper and less nutritious, but portion control can solve most calorie problems. (Translation: Have a SERVING of fries, not the whole damn bag!)

Frankly, I find it disgusting. And horribly unfair. These people are a heart attack looking for a place to happen, and yet when I light up a smoke in front of some of them I get "Don't you know how BAD that is for you?" Yeah, Jabba... like the extra three people you're dragging around with you in your big & tall pants is a health craze. Pffft.

So keep raising the cigarette taxes. After all, part of the rationale is that it'll eventually get people to quit, right? (Then what will they do? Tax all the smokers until we quit or die, then where will all that money come from? Hey, NASA - there goes your funding!) But if you're going to tax MY bad health traits, I say we spead it around. Bring on the BMI tax! Let's tax the fatties with a sliding scale based on poundage. Then Michael Moore could fund the new health care system all by himself!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Time to Protest the REAL Crimes

It's become painfully obvious that many missed the boat on the ACORN scandal as it broke. While a very few members of the new media were there from the start, the rest of the world is still trying to catch up.

Long-trusted news sources have been caught with their pants around their ankles. (Wait… that’s Letterman.) The people whose business it is to get information to the world had diddly. Lawmakers are trying to look tough on corruption as they worry if any of ACORN’s many arms are wrapped around them. Activist groups are scrambling, while their scripted mouthpieces are spinning for all they're worth as they try to explain away what the entire world can see with their own eyes.

But these aren't the big disappointment of the ACORN scandal.

No. To me, there's a group who’s been more out-to-lunch than even the media. A group that is neglecting its own core values and letting down everyone who follows them. It's heartbreaking to see them silent in this time of crisis. It’s been WEEKS, and still… crickets.

I call them Petapeople.

That's right. Peta. Because there is one injustice here that is not being protested. Not one soul is speaking to the crime at hand. Not one nekkid Petapeople is on a billboard declaring the true enemy.

It's James O'Keefe.

That's right. O'Keefe. Because if you watch the videos closely, you'll see he's the only criminal. There is but a single villain in this tale, and it is the evil, sadistic O'Keefe.

I can picture the Petapeople meeting now... Hidden in an underground but stylishly decorated bunker with vegan snack bar, they talk strategy:

OK, people. We've looked at all the videos now. We're here to talk about the real crime, and set up an action plan and assign protest stations.

Let's start with the tax advice thing. As far as I can tell, they got bad advice but no actual tax papers were filed so technically there's no crime.

Next we've got human trafficking. But you see, that's a "human" cause. We here at Peta don't really do "human" causes. And anyway, since none of it was real there's still no crime.

I know, we've got everybody crying about child sex slaves. But again, that's a "human" issue. Not really our thing. And since these girls were imaginary, still no crime.

Secret recording is another topic that's big. But we're not really above that ourselves. Hope it's not illegal.

But none of these are the real crime. The true crime is much more evil and insidious. Most people didn't even catch it watching the videos! The real crime is MURDER! Cold-blooded murder. The evidence is right before your eyes! Do you know how many chinchillas were butchered to make that coat? Do you know how they lived and how they died and how they FELT about all of it?!

Now, go get naked for the chinchillas!

Because the Petapeople are all about naked. Seriously. Every time you turn around, there's some crazy naked Petaperson in a cage, or someone in their underwear stuck to a glue trap, or just stripping for the sheer thrill of it. Well, why aren't there women in Times Square, naked but for befeathered pimp hats, decrying O'Keefe's slaughter? I say we pull the guy in the chicken suit from the scare-the-hell-out-of-little-kids-at-McDonald's protests and have him wear nothing but the pimp hat and a smile! The child sex slaves -- I mean, PROTESTERS -- can march around him with signs that say, "HO, NO! GO FAUX!" and "PIMP MY HIDE!"

Where is Pam Anderson, who at this point has enough artificial components to be classified as a cyborg? Doesn't she have some brilliant insight to offer? Or is she busy opening another Peta-approved eatery? Or Eva Mendez? Hey, Eva! How goes the whole "helping kids battle serious illness" thing? How we coming on that? Or didn’t you get the memo? Petapeople don’t do "human" problems. What about Ashley Judd, coincidentally another one who loves to show off her status as mammal? Can we expect a statement as reasoned and intelligent as those she gave when Sarah Palin opened wolf season? Whoops. Judd isn’t a Petapeople. I got confused because, you see, she’s another animal protester who’s constantly… never mind.

Surely you get my point by now. There is this guy out there, fearlessly parading around in a chinchilla wrap he has the nerve to blame on his poor old grandmother, and NOT ONE HALF-WITTED FULLY-NEKKID celebutwerp is blinking and moving their lips as they try to read and memorize the slogans!

It’s probably better this way. O’Keefe is going to need to concentrate on other things, and won’t need the distraction of being protested. He can probably shut them up if he gets a Petapeople tattoo to show he’s learned his lesson. Or he can take a his cue from Mariah Carey and donate it to Peta. (Which lets us end with yet another example of Petapeople who couldn’t be more proud to be mammalian!)