Monday, October 5, 2009

Time to Protest the REAL Crimes

It's become painfully obvious that many missed the boat on the ACORN scandal as it broke. While a very few members of the new media were there from the start, the rest of the world is still trying to catch up.

Long-trusted news sources have been caught with their pants around their ankles. (Wait… that’s Letterman.) The people whose business it is to get information to the world had diddly. Lawmakers are trying to look tough on corruption as they worry if any of ACORN’s many arms are wrapped around them. Activist groups are scrambling, while their scripted mouthpieces are spinning for all they're worth as they try to explain away what the entire world can see with their own eyes.

But these aren't the big disappointment of the ACORN scandal.

No. To me, there's a group who’s been more out-to-lunch than even the media. A group that is neglecting its own core values and letting down everyone who follows them. It's heartbreaking to see them silent in this time of crisis. It’s been WEEKS, and still… crickets.

I call them Petapeople.

That's right. Peta. Because there is one injustice here that is not being protested. Not one soul is speaking to the crime at hand. Not one nekkid Petapeople is on a billboard declaring the true enemy.

It's James O'Keefe.

That's right. O'Keefe. Because if you watch the videos closely, you'll see he's the only criminal. There is but a single villain in this tale, and it is the evil, sadistic O'Keefe.

I can picture the Petapeople meeting now... Hidden in an underground but stylishly decorated bunker with vegan snack bar, they talk strategy:

OK, people. We've looked at all the videos now. We're here to talk about the real crime, and set up an action plan and assign protest stations.

Let's start with the tax advice thing. As far as I can tell, they got bad advice but no actual tax papers were filed so technically there's no crime.

Next we've got human trafficking. But you see, that's a "human" cause. We here at Peta don't really do "human" causes. And anyway, since none of it was real there's still no crime.

I know, we've got everybody crying about child sex slaves. But again, that's a "human" issue. Not really our thing. And since these girls were imaginary, still no crime.

Secret recording is another topic that's big. But we're not really above that ourselves. Hope it's not illegal.

But none of these are the real crime. The true crime is much more evil and insidious. Most people didn't even catch it watching the videos! The real crime is MURDER! Cold-blooded murder. The evidence is right before your eyes! Do you know how many chinchillas were butchered to make that coat? Do you know how they lived and how they died and how they FELT about all of it?!

Now, go get naked for the chinchillas!

Because the Petapeople are all about naked. Seriously. Every time you turn around, there's some crazy naked Petaperson in a cage, or someone in their underwear stuck to a glue trap, or just stripping for the sheer thrill of it. Well, why aren't there women in Times Square, naked but for befeathered pimp hats, decrying O'Keefe's slaughter? I say we pull the guy in the chicken suit from the scare-the-hell-out-of-little-kids-at-McDonald's protests and have him wear nothing but the pimp hat and a smile! The child sex slaves -- I mean, PROTESTERS -- can march around him with signs that say, "HO, NO! GO FAUX!" and "PIMP MY HIDE!"

Where is Pam Anderson, who at this point has enough artificial components to be classified as a cyborg? Doesn't she have some brilliant insight to offer? Or is she busy opening another Peta-approved eatery? Or Eva Mendez? Hey, Eva! How goes the whole "helping kids battle serious illness" thing? How we coming on that? Or didn’t you get the memo? Petapeople don’t do "human" problems. What about Ashley Judd, coincidentally another one who loves to show off her status as mammal? Can we expect a statement as reasoned and intelligent as those she gave when Sarah Palin opened wolf season? Whoops. Judd isn’t a Petapeople. I got confused because, you see, she’s another animal protester who’s constantly… never mind.

Surely you get my point by now. There is this guy out there, fearlessly parading around in a chinchilla wrap he has the nerve to blame on his poor old grandmother, and NOT ONE HALF-WITTED FULLY-NEKKID celebutwerp is blinking and moving their lips as they try to read and memorize the slogans!

It’s probably better this way. O’Keefe is going to need to concentrate on other things, and won’t need the distraction of being protested. He can probably shut them up if he gets a Petapeople tattoo to show he’s learned his lesson. Or he can take a his cue from Mariah Carey and donate it to Peta. (Which lets us end with yet another example of Petapeople who couldn’t be more proud to be mammalian!)

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